Self-esteem and self-worth: working with the harsh inner critic

Playing down your achievements, being hard on yourself for days after a mistake, struggling to say “no” or not feeling sure of a decision without others’ approval. These are the most familiar everyday faces of difficulties with self-worth.

Low self-esteem often goes unnoticed from the outside. Many people are successful at work and liked by those around them while carrying a constant sense of inadequacy inside.

Where does the harsh critic come from?

How a person sees themselves is shaped largely by early life experiences. When core emotional needs in childhood — being accepted, being valued, feeling safe — are not adequately met, beliefs such as “I am not good enough” or “I must be flawless to be loved” can develop.

Schema Therapy addresses these beliefs as early maladaptive schemas. These schemas are activated in adulthood too: a small criticism is felt with far more pain than it warrants.

Behaviours that keep the cycle going

A person who feels worthless tries different ways of coping with that feeling: overworking and perfectionism, staying invisible to avoid criticism, or constantly trying to please others. These may look protective in the short term, but they feed the underlying belief.

For example, someone who avoids criticism by doing everything flawlessly confirms, every time, the belief that their worth depends only on their achievements.

How psychotherapy helps

In therapy, the first step is to notice how the person talks to themselves: in which situations does the inner critic raise its voice, and which feelings does it trigger? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helps test these automatic thoughts and develop a more balanced view.

Schema Therapy goes to the roots of the critic; by making sense of unmet needs, it aims to strengthen self-compassion and a healthy adult perspective. The aim is not to see yourself as bigger than you are, but to be able to treat yourself fairly, mistakes included.

When to seek support

If self-criticism makes your relationships, work or decision-making harder, if you constantly struggle to set boundaries, or if a sense of inadequacy comes together with anxiety and low mood, a consultation can be helpful.

You do not need to be in crisis to start psychotherapy; wanting to know yourself better is also a valid reason to begin.